i am a cat, i have cat ears, i am the cat goddess

Cliche? Yes. I don’t care. 

2012 was overall a really good year for me. It was a year full of -literal- adventures: Alun-Alun Suryakencana, Gunung Papandayan, Dataran Tinggi Dieng, Jogjakarta, Bali, Gili Meno, Gunung Salak, Cikuray, road trips to Puncak and Cidaun, and finally, Mahameru. I made several new good friends, and I certainly like the friends I already have even more! I also make it into the five kilometers running, although the time is still above 30 minutes.  

I have several New Year’s resolutions to make:

1. Realizing what a good year I have, I am so ashamed to spend it beating, harassing, and abusing myself each time I didn’t do a thing perfectly. The story deserves a whole essay of its own. every time I do things incorrectly, I said demeaning harsh words to myself (such as you stupid brainless thing, waste of earth space and oxygen, you are helplessly, irreversibly dumb and it cannot be repaired, and other collections of harassment I would never even think of saying to other people), which in turn helped my self esteem to suffer and sink even deeper, then sent me to depression.

I want to stop abusing and bullying myself. 

2. I want to stop my junk food addiction…gradually. because no attempt in stopping addiction ever succeeded when done abruptly. The instant noodle, potato chips and other salty crunchy snacks, deep fried things, junk food chain restaurants…tasty stuffs once in a while, but should not become habitual actions. Especially salty crunchy snacks: they are ridiculously expensive, actually, and I can save up a large sum of money by reducing my consumption of salty crunchy snacks. I want to be healthier and be in a even better shape, too.

3. DINGDINGDINGDINGDING! THE MOST VITAL RESOLUTION OF ALL! THE UNDERGRADUATE FINAL PROJECT! My target is to graduate in July (so I will be eligible for October 2013 master program admission, and also have another grand summer trip afterwards), so logically I have to finish recording data I need to my final project as soon as possible. Time to work my lazy ass off. I have already planned to go to Gunung Ceremai, Pangrango, Rinjani, and Gili Meno again this summer! I wouldn’t let my laziness and procrastination be in my way.

I am too lazy to write a closing statement. Ganbarimashou~! 

I was really bored during the period of time I was back in my hometown, so as usual I spent my time thinking. First, happy new year. Second, this new year means so much for me. This year will be (hopefully) my last year of undergraduate study, and that kind of makes me anxious. 

Since my second year of high school, I have been boasting about how I will look for scholarship abroad after I finish my undergraduate study.

For that purpose, I insisted to enroll at my current university: one of the best technological institution in my country, which certainly had its own advantages for those who planned to go abroad later. I still can vividly recall studying physics for the entry test; physics was not my strong subject in high school. My high school, although offered decent education, was anything but a favorite school. But with the helps from many people, I overcame this first obstacle and got accepted. Second, I also insisted to earn decent grades in my undergraduates, which I do.  These preparations really have occupied my thoughts for the past three and a half year, and although subconsciously I know the time will eventually comes, I still am flabbergasted when I realize, hey, this year NOW I really have to take real, non abstract steps to make my plan come true

My goal is to go to Japan or Netherlands before October 2014, and get full scholarship…or at least, get a job from a professor to support my life there (also to send money to my parents). Most of the admissions process for fall semester have started one year before, so I am REALLY late for October 2013 admission for Japanese universities (at my own faults). My last hope for October 2013 admission is a Dutch university. Whether it is for October 2013 or 2014,  there are so much I have to prepare: Application letters, documents, proof of English language proficiency, and stuffs. The great anxiety emerges: Will my letter of motivation be good enough? Will the university admit this person? Am I good enough? Will I be able to get a scholarship? 

If I make it through this (almost) final steps, I have to declare that the short term dream of a high school student has been fulfilled, aaaaannd I am one step closer to my dream of being a researcher!

I am still astounded at the fact that I really have to do the very last part of my plan NOW to make my dream plan come true! Now it is the time! It does feel weird. The feeling of astonishment sends chills through my spine. Will I be able to celebrate new year’s eve in another country one or two years from now?

before you go on a rampage after reading the title, finish reading the post first. I like animals, I don’t intend to create wars between cat lovers and dog lovers. the idea of writing this post has come up several months ago, but I always delay writing it, because I am the biggest procrastinator in the world.

Personally I prefer cats than dogs. the blog title speaks for itself. I don’t know why I am drawn so much to cats; probably because I was frequently exposed to cats earlier in my life. the fact that cats are low maintenance is a plus. for me, cats are prissy, independent, playful, aloof, and extra cute. when I grow old, I will probably be the crazy cat lady, minus the hoarding.

cats and dogs have their own special traits, some people find either or neither of them fascinating. it’s perfectly normal, just like someone drawn into a person with certain traits. I get that dogs do things cats simply won’t do, like fetching newspaper or sandals. it’s also often said that dogs views their owners as their master, and cats view their owners as roommates. I don’t mind that. practicality is also often a factor, such as when someone lives in small apartment, dogs certainly aren’t suitable for him since dog needs larger space for its well-being. what I don’t get is, some people really insist that cats and dogs compete each other, and since I am a cat person, the ones who obnoxiously blabbering about how dogs are better than cats disturbs me a great deal. why must compare dog to cat? it’s like comparing apple to orange. why not compare dog to gerbil, lizard, bird, fish, tarantula, or currently popular sugar glider?

however, I can’t help but being disturbed each time someone mentions that cats are useless, or that they love dogs because dogs are one useful animal. why is it disturbing? here, I give you an analogy. you possess a smartphone, and you love it because it is useful. the clue is, a smartphone is a thing; an animal isn’t. they aware of their surroundings, they respond to outside stimulants, they can feel happiness, pain, sadness, love, threat, or anything else to some extent. surprise, surprise, they are alive, just like you and me right now. when you adopt a cat, dog, bird, or other less conservative pets, they become part of your family. yes, you care for them, but they still are not your property. I highly doubt people who say they love dogs because dogs are useful: able to fetch things, can be trained as rescue dog, can entertain you, et cetera. if something you love has to be useful in order to receive love from you, certainly you have a weird (not in a good sense) concept of love. congratulations. you take advantage of sweet, poor innocent dog who believes you love him as much as he loves you.

surprise, surprise, people can love something just because of itself! even though some cats are really prissy, I honestly don’t give a single F.

apparently, some people also make a big deal out of the concept that ‘dogs views their owners as their master, and cats view their owners as roommates’ as the reason to hate cats or convincing people that dogs are better than cats. for me, these people have big ego and narcissistic tendency that is satisfied by having control over something. that’s disturbing. yes, you need to control your pets to an extent to maintain its well-being, your well-being, and others’ well being. for example, you need to vaccinate your pet to avoid the odd that whole community is infected by rabies carried by your pet. when you love your pets because they worship you like you are their god, you also have weird, not in a good sense, concept of love. no one can guarantee you won’t do the same in your relationship with other human. manipulative traits are hugely avoided in any relationship. lucky (or poor them?) that your pets can’t talk… because if you treat your human partner like that, you’ll either be dumped or be in a session with a counselor to manage your control issue. I truly believe one could predict how a person really treats other people by knowing how that person treats animals. remind you, you don’t even have to like animals to treat them well. just letting them live without wishing terrible torture done upon them is enough.

as for some ‘dog persons’ or non dog persons who claim to have deep rooted hatred toward cats for asinine reasons like cats are stupid, useless, or no reasons at all… I hope you have some patience. cats can sense your hatred. when you are in the same room with them, they will walk towards you and rub their fur against your legs, just for the sake of pissing you off. that’s one of the reasons why I absolutely love cats.

acne is depressing

normally I wouldn’t write something with this theme, but I do feel I have to let it out. I just find out that acne is f*cking depressing. yes it is. I never thought my face would be infested with acne like this–it’s like the acne colony taking over my face and pretty much reigning on it. disgusting. I never thought it would happen to me. why me? why must be me?

my face used to be clear–only occasional easy to banish acne near my nose and forehead. exercising did help to prevent acne. sulfuric lotion and sometimes mask are all I need.

however, since about half year ago acne has been ruining my cheeks as well and goddamnit it’s annoying! exercising don’t help anymore. the usual treatments also don’t help. there are some things I am going to try, like avoid eating processed snacks and foods, but really, it is not guaranteed to kick the acne colony out of my face, just like many useless treatments that don’t work on my face. but whatever, I still am going to try anyway.

I hate how I have to go to skincare doctor to delete all these horrible hijackers. the thought of wasting money on banishing acne frustrates me.

the thing that is even more depressing is, my parents also had the same problem. so do most of my close relatives. my dad still has occasional acne (plenty of them!), and he’s in his 50s. that’s depressing. it’s like I am fated to live with these demonic red bumps forever. it’s like I have to adapt to my new grossly spotty, bumpy, scarred, acne-infested skin. acne is like terrorist hijacking my face,. either way I am doomed.

I don’t care if this post is stupid or shallow or whatever. I don’t give a single f. right now I am just really, really frustrated. also, if you notice it, I am on the fourth stage of grieving over my acne-infested face.

I declare the war has begun.

The Real World

suddenly I realize that about less than one and a half year from now, I will be graduated from college. The real world awaits. Suddenly I’m panicking. Probably in one and a half year from now, I won’t see any of my college friends and acquaintances anymore for a long time. We’re so close from choosing our own path. It’s sad, since I already liked my environment.
Recently my parents build a spacey home with three bedroom. the bedroom on the two story is really spacey–they say it’s for me when I graduate and come back home. I keep my mouth shut. Somehow the idea of permanently living back with my parents after graduating from college is disturbing me. I kind of wish they would encourage me to move out. If I ever had to live with my parents, I would insist to pay rent. I don’t care that it’s considered normal for unmarried (or even married) kids living together with their parents. not that I don’t love my parents. It’s because I’d love to learn how to live independently, as an individual, with all the freedom and the responsibilities that comes with it. Isn’t that the whole point of years of so called education? it should be considered a successful parenting when one raises a child who is able to fend for herself.

I am always the type who can’t wait to be independent. Parents, especially, have always been telling me what to do all these years. I can’t wait to do my own thing, live in my own place, basically live my life like an adult. but now that the time comes closer, suddenly I’m nervous. 

it sure is easy to follow a set of standards made by human. my whole life is composed by following those standards. some of us, including me, go to school for almost 18 years because our authoritative figures told us so. for those 18 years, without realizing it, my goal had been set by someone else: you have to do your homework well. you have to earn excellent grades. you have to participate in this and that. you have to connect with this and that people. you have to be admitted into the best university and again, earn excellent grades and finish your study in 4 years. My family and environments certainly makes it very easy for me. My parents always say that I don’t need to worry about anything else other than learning, learning, learning. and play. especially play.

despite of years of intensive preparation to be prepared for the real world, no one prepares me for what happens next after I graduated. The real world itself. Truth is, probably no amount of motivational speech or cute inspirational quotes is going to help ease my nervousness. There’s a lot I’m worried about. I am afraid I will be a loser who mooch money off from my parents. I’m afraid that I won’t have enough money to live independently. I am afraid can’t reach my goal to be a researcher. I am afraid I will never build good friendship with new people in new places. I am afraid that after years of letting people decide what’s best for me, I will cave in and again, let people decide. I guess I am getting so used to people telling me what to do. what am I going to do next? 

For sure, I won’t let people setting up standards for me anymore. I’m on my own. Freedom is expensive, I didn’t go through extensive process of education just to be finally confined in some new set of standards. Like it or not, now it’s the real ‘getting out from the comfort zone’, if I want to be free. now or never, to be free or not to be free.

Weird Surreal Dream

it’s one of those dream you remember quite vividly. In that dream, my friend (friend from college class–I forgot) and I walk into a building with modern minimalist theme, which is some kind of gate into some kind of nature park. in real life sense, of course it’s odd–but in a dream, everything happens. what I saw next was definitely surreal. inside the building is a large, shiny terrace I am standing on, which (the terrace) seems hanging off from some kind of high cliff, because at the other edge of the terrace, there’s a badly damaged bridge to cross to the other side, which is where the ticket seller located at. the bridge is so badly damaged so that through the broken planks, you can look down below to see infinitely wide area covered by misty lush vegetation. bizarre, yet beautiful.

my friend and I decide that it’s impossible to cross,  when we witness people (as if nothing is weird) passing us, then alternately  jumping through the top of the trees and remained bridge planks. wait, what?

we just stand there, astonished. I mean, wow. suddenly everyone are doing acrobatics.

until sun ray shines upon the bridge, revealing thick clear glass sheet covering the damaged bridge. Bizarre…because I actually saw the trees swaying and heard damaged planks screech when people hop on them! how could they sway and screech if they are covered by thick glass sheet?

we happily cross the bridge. the end.

Bizarre. I think it’s going to be my new artwork’s theme while wondering what the heck that dream means.

get out from the comfort zone

what does this mean?

get out from comfort zone’ might be more applicable to people who are afraid to take a risk to do things they have been yearning for. but, i mean, really, what is it? it sounds like cliche quote from cliche television motivators. do i need to get our from my comfort zone when i already know what i love to do in my life? wait, do i even know what i really love to do? do people who love what they do also need to get out from their comfort zone? is it that sinful to have comfort zone? should i say yes to everything that sounds like ‘not in my comfort zone’  and ‘not really myself’? should i? well, should i?

 

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